Christmas Off
by cinbru
Summary: Rangeman has an extremely merry Christmas. Okay, this is the last 'Billy' fic ever. I swear. But I was bored.


Disclaimer: I own none of these wonderful characters. Janet owns everything.

**Note:** Okay, so I said I wasn't going to do another Billy story. Looks like I'm a fat liar. My hubby's out of town. Again. I was bored.

**Christmas Off**

I had spent 187.65 and let me just tell you, I was the shit. I had bought presents for everyone I needed to, including the Kloughns, for under 200. If that doesn't qualify me for The Shit Hall of Fame, I don't know what does. It was two days before Christmas or Christmas Eve eve and, okay, maybe I was pushing it a little on finishing my shopping. But I was done, right? That's all that matters.

It was early evening as I walked out to my car to head for home. I smiled. Home now was Ranger's apartment. We had moved in together following our infamous 'Halloween incident' as the guys now referred to it. It was working out great so far. Great food, great sheets and so much sex I think I needed another vagina to keep up.

I had just reached the Explorer when I got a text message.

'Babe, can u get Taco Bell?'

Hmmm. This was odd. Ranger never gets Taco Bell. But who was I to complain? I could eat the shit out of some Chili Cheese Burritos. I typed back 'sure' and started the car, making my way to the one closest to Haywood. My phone beeped again and I gaped at the message. 5 tacos, 5 bean burritos, 2 Steak and Cheese tacos, a Taco salad, 2 Meximelts, 4 Chili Cheese Burritos, a quesadilla and 4 Cinnasticks.

Something was amok at Rangeman.

Surely not. Ranger had sworn off any kind of illegal substances after he went nuts and signed us up for the 'Halloween incident'. Lester had tried hard on several occasions, only to be turned down flat. Okay, so maybe Lester, Bobby, Billy and I had our own little party but no one needs to know that. And Ranger got seriously laid afterward, so he couldn't complain.

I bought out half of Taco Bell and drove home, pulling into the garage and parking next to the Porsche. I sighed as I looked at all the bags. Where was a Merry Man when you needed one? I trudged to the elevator and remoted myself up.

The doors opened and I dragged myself to the door. I could hear laughing. Man laughing. And it sounded familiar. I pushed the door open and my suspicions were confirmed. The wall of smoke hit me like a brick. I heard a chorus of "You're letting it out!" and "Shut! Shut!" and even a "Try to catch it!" Then there was silence.

Ranger, Tank, Bobby and Lester sat around the kitchen table regarding me with looks slightly akin to awe in their squinty, red eyes.

Bobby spoke at a whisper. "The Taco Bell is here!"

"Well," I said, leaning down to set all my bags on the ground. "Nice to know you're excited to see me, too." I stood up and all four of them were standing a foot from me in a half circle. I shrieked.

"Fuck! Do none of you make a noise?"

Lester looked perplexed. "We make plenty of noise. In fact, I can make noise right now." He scrunched up his face.

"Don't even think about it, Lester! That's disgusting." The other guys were laughing like Beavis and Butthead. Man, stoned people were annoying when you weren't stoned.

I looked over. Billy was in the place of honor at the head of the table. I looked at Ranger and he had a big shit-eating grin on his face. "Hey, Babe." He walked over and pulled me close, giving me a great kiss hello.

"I'm stoned."

"I can see that."

"I'm going to eat Taco Bell."

"I can see that, too. How did this happen?"

"Lester called me a pussy and said that I couldn't hang. I'm proving him wrong. See? Totally normal."

"I'm proud of you."

"Plus Billy missed me. He told me so."

"And you were doing so well."

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I had never seen four men eat so much. They ate all of their Taco Bell and insisted on calling Ella for cookies. I went down to her apartment to get them because for some reason I didn't think it was a great idea for her to come upstairs.

When I got back up, they were sitting around the table playing the Alphabet Name game.

Ranger started. "Mike Tyson."

"Tom Hanks." Said Bobby, next in the circle.

Tank was next. "Harry Connick, Jr."

Lester sat there. "Do I go off of Connick or Junior?"

"SMOKE!" all three yelled.

"Fine!" Lester took his punishment. "I'll just go with 'C'. Cindy Crawford."

"Good one." Ranger said. "And it's a double letter so it reverses. Back to Tank."

"Cory Feldman." This was met with silence.

"Dude." Bobby said. "Smoke for a pussy answer. What the Hell was that?"

"I choked. It reversed and I had to think fast."

They tried to get me to play, but I had presents to wrap. Well, okay, I said hello to Billy first. It might take me a little longer to wrap, but it would probably be a really good wrapping job.

About 30 minutes later the sound of laughing brought me from the bedroom. The Alphabet Name game deteriorated after Bobby and Tank had an argument on if fictional characters counted.

I walked out and all four of them were around Ranger's computer.

"What are you doing?"

They were all giggling. Yes, giggling.

Ranger smiled at me. "We're signing Morelli up for gay porn sites."

I read the name of the open one. "Rim Job Safe Haven."

"Oh, we don't want to do that one." Lester said. "They just send out the same newsletter and try to pass it off as a new one."

"Who would do that?"

"I don't know. Weirdos. Oh, do that one! They have goats!"

Eventually I made Ranger get off the computer. Ranger, pot and the internet is a dangerous combination. When he tried to buy ninja swords, stating that they would be the new mandatory weapon for all employees, I knew it was time to pull the plug. This wasn't easy since the rest of the guys thought the idea was 'bitchin'.

An hour later we were on the couch watching Point Break. It's a great surfer movie. In fact, Bobby had decided that he was going to speak Surfernese for the rest of the evening. This inspired Tank to teach us all Ong language. Apparently you spell out a word and insert ong after the consonants and just say the vowels. For example, Tank was Tong A Nong Kong. We spent 30 minutes speaking nothing but this. We couldn't seem to stop.

"Song hong I tong." Lester said finally. "I'm starving. I need some food."

We all grunted our assent. Soon we had ice cream, the cookies and a bowl of popcorn. We were wasted.

"Tank." I said.

"Wong hong a tong?"

"Why the fuck are you so big?"

"So my dick fits on my body."

We were silent for a moment.

"Seriously?" Lester asked.

"Yep. A smaller body couldn't carry it."

Ranger was scowling. Bobby was looking at his own crotch.

"Is that why you guys work out?" I asked. "To carry around your penises?"

Ranger was thinking hard. "It makes sense. No mere mortal could have my penis."

I snorted. Ranger raised his eyebrows.

"You disagree?"

"No. I was just thanking God I'm Wonder Woman."

"Yeah, I'm glad, too, since you handled it plenty last night."

We all burst out laughing. Ranger didn't make immature, lewd jokes very often, even when stoned.

We watched for awhile longer and I couldn't stop thinking about penises. I went through all the merry men. I thought about the biggest. Tank, easily. I tried figuring out who would be the smallest. Surely none of these guys. Maybe Hal.

"Hong a long."

"What about him?" Bobby asked.

"Do you think he has a big penis?"

"Babe."

"Steph!"

"Dude!"

"I was just asking."

Bobby grimaced. "I don't want to think about Hal's penis."

"Don't you see him in the shower?"

"He lives on 4. He showers in his apartment."

"He's here now?"

"Yep."

"Let's go ask him." I stood up. I mean, what guy wouldn't want to talk about their penis?

"Babe, we aren't going to go ask Hal if he has a big penis."

"Why not?"

"Men don't do that. We wait until we are by them in the bathroom or the shower and then we peek when they aren't looking to see if we are bigger."

"Yeah." Tank said. "Don't you know the rules?"

I didn't bother to answer. But I did think about our problem.

"I've got it! Let's go knock on his door and hide around the corner and see if he comes to the door naked. Then we can see his penis."

All four men stared at me like I had three heads. Finally Lester spoke.

"Not bad. I'm in."

"Yeah, what the hong e long long." Tank said

We all visited with Billy one more time and then took the stairs down to 4. We stood in front of Hal's door. No one was moving.

"You knock." Bobby said to Ranger.

"I'm scared he's really naked."

"No shit."

"Damn, you guys!" I said. "I'll knock."

I knocked on the door. No sooner did I knock than we heard 'I'm coming' from inside the apartment. We were frozen in our fear of his penis. We couldn't move. We heard the scrape of the lock.

Bobby freaked. "RONG U NONG!"

We bolted around the corner and paused, breathing heavily. We could hear "What the fuck?" We clutched each other. I had my hand over my mouth.

"Is he there?" I was trying to peek around the corner.

"I don't know." Bobby said. "I'm not looking."

"I didn't see his penis." Tank turned to us. "We might have to do it again."

Ranger nodded. "We'll have to bring in some equipment this time. Maybe we can rappel down from the roof and try to look in his window."

"Do the bathrooms have windows?" I asked. "We're sure to see his penis in there."

Lester looked at his watch. "How long do we have before we should try again?"

"I'd say about 5 minutes until he gets back in his apartment." Hal said.

Lester nodded. "Sounds about right."

"Then you can come up with a good reason for why you are trying to see his penis."

I rolled my eyes. "We already know that. I wanted to see if it was big or not."

Lester was frowning. "Is there something different? Something's different." He looked at Hal. We all looked at Hal. Minutes went by. Hal stayed quiet.

Finally Ranger spoke. "I have a big penis."

"Good for you." Hal said. "What are you doing here?" We all looked at each other.

Bobby shrugged. "Fuck if I know. You got any food?"

Right then Ella walked up.

"I think it's time you went back up to the apartment. I'm sure you'll be wanting some more cookies?"

"Cookies!" Bobby said. "That is the greatest idea in the whole world! Oh my Gong o dong! I want a fucking cookie."

Ranger grabbed Ella in a huge hug. "Ella, I love you. You are my favorite housekeeper ever. Really. I really, really love you."

Ella was squished into him. "I know, Dear. And I know your feeling, um, happy but we don't want everyone else to know so just scoot on upstairs. Hello, Stephanie."

"Hi. So how did you know?"

"When he ordered the cookies he ordered 165,000. And then he laughed for two minutes."

"That'll do it."

Ranger turned to Hal. "Come meet Billy. He rocks."

"Why not?"

We turned to go. Lester scratched his head.

"Did anyone figure out what we were doing down here?"

Hal smiled. "You wanted to see my penis."

Tank slapped him in the back of the head. "Whatever, dong u dong e. That's nasty."

"Why do you keep talking like that?"

"You'll understand in a minute."

"Merry Christmas!" Ella called, behind us.

Ranger looked confused. "It's Christmas?"


End file.
